The anger within me now is more than enough to kill a horse. But pray that the Lord will guide my heart.

I shall not complain..I will only type facts..and make u all do the thinking.

Well..everything just happened about an hour ago. As usual the time came when we had to show our reports books to our parents. I purposely waited till today you know..bet you know why. I showed it to my father..and he was scrutinising the contents of it carefully..typical him. Then the long-awaited war started. He asked me why I only got 70plus for chinese. So I began to defend myself..that 73 for higher chinese is already a miracle..then he said "not higher chinese I mean chinese. Why only 79?"

Well..what can I say. I had to explain to him that in O levels they don't put the marks down but only the band..so Wang Lao Shi just substituted a number for us in the report card. And he refused to believe that in O levels they don't show your marks. I really wonder how much he knows about my school. Come to think of it..he doesn't even know my class. Yah..never mind......

Then he went on asking about my A.maths. How come it was 75 on the dot..what was tuition for and all the crap. I really didn't know what to say..to tell him I hated A.maths? Come on..he's a lover of Maths..I don't want to dig my own grave. So I forced myself to mumble something like "it's still A1 mah"..only to hear him reply "but last term you get 80plus? Why now......"

Never mind. So he went on to my Physics. I was really afraid I couldn't hold on any longer and lose my temper... ='( But it's really hurting you know..being criticised for so many things. He asked me why my physics A2 only..then I just retorted "do you know less than 5 people got A1". And as usual he would say "but last term blah blah......" Hello..he hasn't seen how ridiculously hard was the phy paper..all of us were begging him to moderate the marks..this was how desperate we were. I mean..I dun understand. I think he just refuses to believe me that the paper was difficult.

Before I went upstairs I told him "I already tried my best. If you still think it's not good enough I have nothing to say". Then he flared up. Just because I said that. Like what's wrong with saying that......and he actually found more things to pick on me..like during the exam period I wasn't eating proper meals and I wasn't eating those vitamin pills. Like it isn't bad enough for me to be criticised for my studies..he goes on and on. He just wants to find something to talk bad about me u know.

I've long grown immune to his hurtful remarks..since sec 1..no I mean primary school. But what upsets me is how discouraging he is. He never breathes a word of encouragement to me. Although my mum likes to compare me with others..but at least she tells me "never mind next time do harder". But he doesn't. He'll only ask "why this one...why that one". Even when I was first in position he would pick at my results. Probably even if I topped the whole nation he would still be unhappy. The way he fires questions at me is as if I commited a grave sin. He practically screams..and if I screamed back at him he would say I'm bad-tempered. I always tell him to check his attitude and tone before talking to me..but he'll give me the same old lame excuse that "if you don't make me angry first why would I be angry and yell at you". Right. It doesn't make a difference if I spoke rudely or politely..I'll be treated unkindly anyway.

After the whole thing I suddenly received one sms from Rachel. It read "the power of God within you, is greater than the pressures around you. Keep going, God is always with you." Oh my she was really God-sent. I know He was trying to comfort me. I know the Word..I know I'm supposed to be slow to anger..endure suffering. But who's going to mend my broken heart. He keeps breaking it over again..I can't possibly patch it back all the time.

Does the problem really lie with me? I made the extra effort to be nice and bear his criticisms. Perhaps I'm not trying hard enough. But if you were me..wouldn't you get agitated? I know the Lord says we have to honour our parents..but sometimes I get so angry and overwhelmed by human emotions. It's as if no matter how hard I try he will never be satisfied. It's so hard you know..why is it always my fault ='(